samuelsmom

SURVEY
BACKGROUND INFORMATION:
1. Are you male or female? female
2. Did you lose your mother, your father, or both? mother
3. What age are you now? 33
4. What age were you when your parent died? 33
5. Did you live with the parent you lost at that time? No. She lived about an hour away from me.
6. What was their cause of death? Leukemia
7. Did you have any siblings at the time? If so, what gender and ages were they then? One sister - age 41.
8. Were your parents together? divorced
9. Did your other parent remarry? If so, how soon after your parent’s death? My parents were divorced when I was 7 - so about 26 years ago. My mother remarried my stepfather when I was 10. He started dating about 3 weeks after my mother died.

SHORT ANSWERS:
1. If your parent was sick, did you become closer to them because they were sick? Did you get along with them more? or less? Yes- absolutely, we got a lot closer. She was my best friend
2. How is your relationship with your remaining parent? Did your remaining parent support and comfort you, and remain in your life? Or did they leave or emotionally shut down? My dad and I are close. My step-father and I have NEVER been close. I just saw him for the first time the Sunday after Thanksgiving and my mom died Sept. 2.
3. Did growing up without one of your parents affect your gender roles? How so (do you have more of the stereotypical “feminine” traits, or “masculine” traits)? I was already a "grown-up", so, no.

4. Did the remaining parent’s parenting style change (how much they care about what you do)? What was it like before and what did it change to? See answer # 2.

5. Do you feel different from people who haven’t experienced this loss? Please explain. Yes, absolutely, until you've walked that path, you can't really know what it's like.

6. Did you take on more responsibilities at home/with your family? If so, what are they? With my family of origin? No - see #2.

7. Are there any positive outcomes from the loss? Please explain. It has helped me to empathize with people who are in pain from a loss of a parent - or any loss for that matter.

8. Do you look to other people as a parent substitute? If so, who and for what things? My mother-in-law is awesome. She is very different from my mother- personality wise, but they do share a love for flowers! - Not related at all to the question, but it is something they have in common. My mother's death is so recent - that I really don't know what to say as far as substitute - it is just a DEEP, DEEP void that I have. We talked every day, sometimes 3-4 times. (I am a SAHM to an 17 month old - so I crave that adult conversation!) I have not found anyone to fill that void.

9. How are your relationships with your siblings? Did they change after the loss, how so? My relationship with my sister is very strange. I would like to be close to her, but she doesn't really make time to cultivate a relationship with me. I have tried. She is very busy with her own life so I try not to bother her. I feel like I am in her way. I don't think her husband likes me so that makes me feel uncomfortable.

10. Do you feel that your parent’s death is a defining moment in your life? How much? ABSOLUTELY - too soon to tell how much. I am still trying to figure out how much. I just know that life will NEVER be the same.

11. How would you describe your current attitude towards separation and/or loss? To be polite - it is sad for those of us left behind; to be honest - IT SUCKS!

12. Which do you feel affected you more: the actual loss of your parent or the subsequent changes in your family? Please explain. Right now, I'd have to say the actual loss and it is too soon to say anymore.

13. How, if at all, has your loss affected your romantic relationships? My husband is VERY supportive. He is my human rock.

14. If you are a parent, do you think the loss of your own parent affected your parenting? How? I don;t want my little guy to grow up so fast. I get sad, too thinking about all my mother will miss out on in his life - and vice versa - getting to know her.

15. If you are not a parent, what are or were your thoughts about having children? See # 14

16. What are some coping mechanisms you have used over the years to manage without your parent? A good cry, talking to my best friend, calling a friend or family member

17. When do you miss your parent the most? Too many times to count during the day. When we come home from music class and I want to tell her what Samuel did today, etc.... the milestones... when I need to know how to make one of her recipes - that happened today.

All day, everyday somedays.

I have been asked to remove the letter to my sister.

Current Mood: sad

You Know You're From Maryland When

You know more than 10 people who own boats
and they all park them at the same marina in Annapolis

You can pronounce and spell "Pocomoke," "Mattaponi," "Accokeek," and "Havre de Grace"

You prononce "Bowie" BOO-ie not BOW-ie or BAUW-ie

1 hour is an easy commute to work

You have more than three recipies for crabcakes

French fries just don't taste right without Old Bay

There are more than two crab places in your town

Even your high school cafeteria made good crabcakes

You got your first lacrosse stick before you were six years old

You call all turtles "terrapins"

You refer to your state as "Merlind"

Your mother shops at Hecht's

You still call Six Flags America "Adventure World", or even "Wild World"

You still remember the Wild World commercial (Wild World's the cure for the summertime blues!)

You can tell the difference between the smells of septic and marsh.

You not only know how to eat hard crabs but you also know how to catch them,
cook them and tell the males from the females.

You don't think that Assawoman Bay is a strange name for a body of water.

You know perfectly well why Rehoboth is called "Little San Francisco"

M R Ducks makes perfect sense.

So does C M Wangs.

You think Salisbury is a big city.

You think of dumplings as wet slippery squares of boiled dough.

You and your boss take off of work when the fish are running
or the ducks are flying in.

You've eaten muskrat at a church dinner but think it's better the way you fix it.


You think of "Dairy Queen" as a pageant title and not a place to get an ice cream.

"Formal wear" is a ball cap, a flannel shirt and Timberlands.

You still root for the Orioles even when they suck

You'll never understand why tourists come to DC.

When in Florida, you can only laugh when you see signs saying "Real Maryland Blue Crab Cakes!"

You color with "Crowns", take a "Share" with "Wooter" and think the president lives in "Warshenton."

You know the difference between Glen Burnie ghetto and Catonsville ghetto.

Your whole family lives within a 200 mile radius of your town.

Dale Earnhardt's accident was a close personal loss to your father

At least one man in your family is a waterman

You plan for "The Festival" a year in advance.

During the summer, you spend more time in Ocean City than at home.

Margret Heater, Hedspace, Jepetto, Outside Joke and Mary Prankster are people you think are "Famous"

Your radio dial is stuck on 99.1

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Maryland.

It has been a while since I last typed an entry and things have really sucked since then. My mother is in the ICU at the hospital in the town where I grew up. She has been in the hospital since July 31 and was supposed to go home yesterday, but she took a turn for the worst on Tuesday afternoon. Not good. She went in for pnuemonia and things are not improving. It has been 4 and 1/2 years since her diagnosis of leukemia. She went into remission from that in March of 03 and then developed another rare blood disorder last December. It has been really hard trying to keep to together with a 14 month old.
Anyway - I just needed an outlet tonight before I left to spend the night there with her. She hates to be alone.
I am going to try and utilize this LJ for an outlet more often. It feels good to get stuff out as I have been bottling stuff up lately.

I am interested in hearing ANY advice out there about air travel with an infant. We are traveling to Seattle from Baltimore this Wednesday with my son who is 11 months old (he'll be 1 on June 25). The problem is we will be turning around and flying right back home on Friday. (my mother is visiting the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center to see if she is a candidate for a bone marrow transplant.) He is a really laid back baby, although he has just started to take off (crawling and pulling himself up, that is!).

Thanks!

WOW- what a day. I am unable to sleep, although I am working on only 5 hours of sleep from last night. I was working on school stuff and I lost a quiz that I was generating. I spent way too much time searching for it. I had to completely retype the thing at midnight and then get up at 5:45 - ugh. I am not the fastest typer on the East Coast, that's for sure.
We had quite a scare today - my father-in-law fell off 6 feet of scaffolding and fractured his wrist in 2 places. He will have a 50/50 chance of needing surgery. We are praying that he will not need it. The Lord was definitely with him when it happened because it could have been so much worse- i.e. serious head injury or broken neck or back. Also - it was his non-dominant hand.
He is such a quiet and gentle man. One of his biggest joys in life is being out on his boat fishing and crabbing in the Chesapeake Bay. Now he won't be able to all summer. He is also Samuel's babysitter for me on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I teach at the community college. Samuel loves his grandfather- he lights up with a BIG smile when he sees him - all 6 teeth and gums. We will have to search an alternative in the morning. Fortunately, only 4 weeks of classes left! Anybody who reads this LJ - please pray for Mel for a speedy recovery for his wrist.
Separation anxiety has hit our household with a vengeance. Samuel has decided that he will not go down for a nap or to bed without letting out cries that I never knew my child could produce. And just all of a sudden, like a switch was turned on. When I took him to his 9 mo. check up the doctor asked me if it was happening before I could even ask him about it. He said that it is perfectly normal and that I just need to let him cry. I do, but it is harder than ever because it actually sounds like he is in pain. (He's not, at least as far as I can tell - I was bad and picked him up when it first started happening - you would have thought it was a different baby! SMILES and giggles, the norm for him). Doc says to let him cry for about 15 minutes before going in to check on him... but guess what... he is usually done at about 10 and out like a light! It is definitely not like when I would put him down a few months ago and he would cry. Samuel now has "object permanence" - he knows that I am still there behind the door.
We are also having the problem of him waking up at around 5:00 and wanting to eat. (Today, thank the Lord, he slept late!) The Doctor says that we need to nip this in the bud because he does not need the calories that early. Samuel does go right back down, which is a good thing.
Well, I suppose I should try to get to sleep(especially if Samuel decides to wake early!)
I can only hope that....the sun will come out tomorrow...so you gotta hang on til tomorrow, come what may....etc.. (I know, I am a geek! My friends tell me that all of the time!) But seriously - I desperately need to see the sun!
TTFN
samuelsmom

Current Mood: tired

Excuses, excuses as to why I haven't written lately and none of them are good ones. I have to admit I have been in a bit of a funk lately - there has been so much rain and darkness I was starting to feel like I was living in a big dark cloud myself. Procrastinating about everything, especially laundry and housework and writing in my LJ.
The sun finally came out today and little yesterday early evening, even though the wind was blowing at about 35 mph both days. It is amazing how the sun makes my mood so much better! A bit nippy out there though.
Last night I went to opening night for the Baltimore Orioles and it was a lot of fun, albeit cold - very cold. (Plus they beat Boston 7 -2!!) My old roommate called at the last minute with the tickets. Hubby was great to watch Samuel so that I could go. It was a bit tricky with the nursing since he won't take a bottle, but it worked out great. I nursed him at 6:30 and put him to bed with the window blinds pulled down and the curtains closed. I couldn't believe it - he slept until 5:30 this morning! I usually put him to bed at 7:30, but I guess with the time change his schedule was a little out of whack.
Anyway - I am hoping for a few nice weather days so that we can get outside for a walk. I get so tired of being inside!
Had to take Samuel to the doctor today due to a rash on his cheeks and his belly. It turns out that he has eczema on his face and prickly heat on his belly - he is one hot baby - sweating all of the time. SO.. I just have to keep him a bit cooler. It is not like our house is an oven or anything, he just sweats alot! I have to stop giving him yogurt for a few days to see if the eczema clears up and I have to rub Cortaid on his cheeks 2 times a day for 3 days. He doesn't seem to mind it as long as he can study the box that the Cortaid came in! He loves cardboard as well as crinkly things! He is so funny! But I guess most babies are, especially to their mommas!
Gotta hit the hay as they say- tomorrow's class will be discussing gay marriages. Fun. Only 6 more weeks of this class left. Hopefully the 2 classes (Beginning Counseling and Assessment Skills and the Internship class) I teach next semester will be something I enjoy teaching more than this one. This one has been a good experience, I will give it that!

g'night

I am up late again, just checking out the internet. I finished the reference I was writing for one of my students about an hour ago, but I just can't seem to log off. This has been happening almost every night this week. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know how tired I am during the day, but I tend to forget that when I am in the midst of stay up until 12:30 at night. It is hard work taking care of a 9 month old baby! I love it and I am not complaining, but I know that I have to take control of this thing- it i sm y own fault! I wonder if anyone else out there who does this LJ thing has this problem? Oh well... I'll never know b/c no one else reads this any way! But... you never know! It is so cool to think that anyone who has LJ in the world could read this right now! Amazing! If you are reading tis - write to me! tell me that you read this! Even if you just say "HEY". I AM GETTING DESPARATE HERE!

I need to get to bed because I have to get up in about 5 hours to get ready to teach in the morning. Next week is Spring break and I really need to get back on track with my routine and such. I hope I can do it... I have always been such a procrastinator!

ALLRIGHT! THAT IS ENOUGH! GOING TO BED... NO I REALLY AM.... I MEAN IT THIS TIME!

G'NIGHT.

Sorry - we have all been sick with the stomach virus. I caught it first, then Samuel and then Tim. I mean it was the worst thing I have experienced in a LONG time. I feel like I lost about 2 weeks of my life. (and I lost 4 pounds - great, but a terrible way to do it!) I would rather give birth! Anyway, things a back to normal.
Tonight is my first DabberDoo party and I am really looking forward to it. I hope it will bring in a little extra income for us. The product is soo neat; I hope people will like it as much as I do and that they will buy, buy, buy!!! I've gotta run and pick up the house a bit before you wake up from your nap. We had lunch with Julie today and that was nice. I hope we can get together more often. It is a shame if we don't living 20 minutes from each other. cya.

It is Friday night and we are visiting nana's house tonight. Boy, does she love you! You are the light of her life! You have had a rough two days - not napping very much at all. You have been around alot of people and are very intrigued by strangers. You seem to really enjoy people and you are like a sponge taking everything in. Your music teacher calls you "stoic" but I think you are just absorbing it all! Your pop pop calls you spectaular and that means alot coming from him! Anyway, I just wanted to take the opportunity to write something in this journal tonight because I didn't yesterday. We had homegroup at our house last night so I was busy cleaning the house. And... like I said you really didn't nap at all. Oh well, just more of an opportunity for me to spoil you! Well, I think that mommy is going to hit the sack a bit earlier than I do when I am at nana's house. Usually I stay up and either play on the computer or watch TV. (Your nana goes to bed early.) I will be writing alot about your nana in the future because we don't know how long the good Lord will keep her here with us on earth. (But do we know how long he will keep any of us here?) She is in remission from her leukemia, but now she has myleoproliferative syndrome. We don't know that much about it, other than that she needs blood transfusions about every two weeks or so. Anyway, she is a very special (albeit difficult) lady who your mommy loves very much. I truly hope that you will have the opportunity to get to know her. I did not have the opportunity to get to know her mother as she died at the age of 45 from a massive heart attack. Your aunt Susan was only about 18 months old, so she died about 7 years before I was born. I want to describe her to you through this journal when I get the chance so you will know her!
Alright, enough for tonight... I am going to bed!
I love you so very much, my beautiful baby boy. Sleep well!